I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
420 ftw
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
