I think i sorta joined a cult last night
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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