I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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