I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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