My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
love makes seman taste better
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
