life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
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