it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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