I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
