I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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