so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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