So drunk, too bad you don't want this
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
