my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
