take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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