That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
