Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
