Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
