Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
