Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
