apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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