My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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