I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
