Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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