i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
