He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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