I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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