sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
