I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
