She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
