Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
