so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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