If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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