i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
