no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Everclear isn't food dammit
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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