FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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