11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
