Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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