I skipped work to stalk him.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
