No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
