I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
pray to the hookup gods
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
