Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
