im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
