If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
there is glitter all over my balls
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
