Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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