The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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