nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
