tell your sister to shave her snatch
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
