We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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