you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
