here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
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I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
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I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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