this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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