I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
