I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
