i permit you to call me
Girls should come with a carfax report
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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