Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
