you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
