i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
