he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
